...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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