So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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