Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
