what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My feet surprised me
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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