yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
