That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
