Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
