So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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