I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
