I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
