I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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