they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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