You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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