Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
