I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
