walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i came on her dog
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
