my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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