i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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