True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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