My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
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Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
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if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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