Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
