I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But break dance skills will only take you so far
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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