I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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