How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
