I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
ttyl tear gas
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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