I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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