I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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