you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
