nut hugger
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
