my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
