That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
