Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
