complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
