Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
