ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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