my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
