She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
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I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
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No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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