Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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