DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
