i jhust puked up my retainher.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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