mondays should just be called national damage control day
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My penis needs a shock collar
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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