Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize