And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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