Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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