Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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