if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
