He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
