I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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