I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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