I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
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I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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