im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
