She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
