I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
